I can't help it. I'm a sucker for novelty. I only own two U2 albums and the one I listen to the most is their oddball semi-techno driven concoction Zooropa. So I was actually quite looking forward to reading this book, the collected tales of Dark Agnes de Frere – aka Sword Woman – until I actually opened it up and read it.

If you don't know Dark Agnes, she is one of those rare Howard protagonists who is not in some way a Conan clone. Kull is Conan as King of the Golden Age. Cormac is Conan as a mariner. Solomon Kane is Conan as a Puritan(?). Dark Agnes is more like Red Sonja but thrust into the starring role of her stories (not just an accomplice of Conan) and living in 16th century France. Which is the first of the book's two big surprises. Howard, notoriously known for his single-minded ham fisted writing style, actually does a surprisingly good job putting on faux French aires. I can't actually say that he “brings the world to life,” but at least he doesn't slip up and let it drift back to Hyperborea.

The second big surprise is that it's all in first person. Yupper. With the exception of a few fragments at the very end of the book, it's all told from Dark Agnes' point of view. Robert E. Howard, the macho manly man of the pulp era writes this one as the little red haired girl from Charles Schultz's Peanuts strip. One has to wonder if he lost a bet or possibly had HP Lovecraft triple dog dare him into doing it (as an alternative to sticking his tongue to a lamp post in the middle of winter). The first person narration really is a bold and daring step, especially considering the attitude of the times. Too bad it fails so badly.

I admit it. I read about 75% of the collection and gave up. I just couldn't get into it. From start to finish I read it simply because I bought the book. If this were from the library, it would have been sent back with barely a crack in its spine. Aside from the fact that I am a guy and have a hard time superimposing myself on the protagonist without feeling like a transvestite, the big problem I had was with tension. By making Agnes the narrator her security is assured, even though she gets into battle after battle you never truly fear for her safety or worry about how she will get out of her current predicament. There is only so much that can happen to Agnes from this position and with Howard at the wheel and the 1930's being the age you know it's not going to involve much huggy kissy smoochie girlie stuff with the male characters (or would there be hmmmm...).

At the same time, by being a flaming red headed battle babe with a sword, she outshines all the other characters in the story, eliminating Howard's chance of bringing in any other big name to liven up the tales. Off the top of my head I can name John Stuart the Scottsman from Mistress of Death, but everyone she travels with and fights become a pale blur against her central character.

Lastly, Howard was a macho manly man and while he could step up to the plate, he just didn't have the knowledge of women to knock it out of the park. It's always dangerous territory to claim to know how women think (whether you are a man or not) but I feel safe enough in what I know to say that this isn't it. Dark Agnes is a man in a woman's body. Plain and simple. There's nothing wrong with that, but it would be a lot more interesting and entertaining to give Agnes some girlishness to go with her figure. Have her go blitzkreig on some guards over chipping a nail or busting a heel. Those are the women I know.

If I had a time machine, I would tell Howard to scrap the first person, or at least hand it over to a minor character telling of his time of trial in the company of this red-headed she-devil (yadda yadda yadda), or to simply stick with his usual third person. No you can't dig as deeply into a character as you can with first person, but if you're not going to dig once you get there then what's the point?